We were deeply troubled by the awful revelations that begun to emerge in March about the abuse suffered by teenage girls in London, predominantly from their peers at London independent schools.
Shockingly, stories emerged about current and former pupils at all of London’s top single sex and mixed schools, as well as all the best known all-boys boarding schools. The responses of schools have been varied, with initial indignation giving way to more PR savvy soul-searching.
This has resulted in some schools conducting internal investigations, retraining staff, Ofsted inspections, refining their safeguarding procedures, reporting some cases of abuse to the police or a combination of all these measures. Whatever the motives of the schools, the results of these changes must surely be positive, with schools becoming safer environments for all.
The term ‘rape culture’ can seem harsh and shocking, necessarily so, and it can seem discordant with our nostalgic memories of our own schooldays. However, ‘rape culture’ is defined as a culture that normalises and excuses sexual violence against women.
If this still seems a jarring definition when placed in the context of the UK’s top educational institutions – and we’ll admit that there were some within the Clarendon team who felt initially that the term couldn’t possibly apply to their former school – then perhaps some of its symptoms might seem more reflective of the situation and reinforce the extent of the problem:
- the use of misogynistic language
- the objectification of women’s bodies
- blaming the victim (“she asked for it”)
- trivialising the assault (“boys will be boys”)
- sexually explicit jokes
- defining ‘manhood’ as dominant and sexually aggressive
- pressure on men to “score”
- pressure on women not to appear “cold”
These attitudes have always existed and the proliferation of social media, video technology and pornography have exacerbated the difficulties for teenagers today. It has become vitally important to talk to our teenagers, but, as all parents will know, teenagers are not an easy bunch to talk to at the best of times.
We sat down with Adele Treger, a London based psychotherapist with over 30 years of experience who specialises in teenage trauma, and asked her some questions that we thought might be helpful to all of our parents.
This news may well come as a shock to many parents. Would you have any advice to parents who want to broach the subject at home, but don’t know how?
This news may well come as a shock to many parents. Would you have any advice to parents who want to broach the subject at home, but don’t know how?
As a parent, it can be difficult to check in with how teenagers are feeling without being too intrusive and still respect their space. If you are worried about your son or daughter and how this topic impacts them, you can bring the topic up in a caring way by saying that you have read about this issue recently and were wondering if they had heard about it and if they or their friends have been affected by it in any way.
As a parent, it can be difficult to check in with how teenagers are feeling without being too intrusive and still respect their space. If you are worried about your son or daughter and how this topic impacts them, you can bring the topic up in a caring way by saying that you have read about this issue recently and were wondering if they had heard about it and if they or their friends have been affected by it in any way.
Are there any clear outward signs that a child might be trying to deal with something traumatic by themselves?
It is really important in general to keep your eyes open for any signs of emotional distress in your teenagers. Such signs or symptoms could be:
- Sleeping much more or less
- Eating much more or less
- Mood changes
- Crying a lot
- Locking themselves away in their rooms (more than usual)
- Feeling anxious
- Feeling depressed
These symptoms point to your teenager being stressed. It may just be an indication of stress relating to lockdown, returning to school, academic pressure, or social pressure. Either way it is important to check in with them and ask questions like…. “I have noticed that you are struggling to eat/sleep/get up in the morning….is anything bothering you? I am here to help you and I am happy to talk about whatever you are worried about.”
If it emerges that your teenager has been abused, it is important to protect them as soon as possible by calling the police, informing the school, and getting them professional help with a therapist.
If parents believe something is wrong but their children are adamant that they don’t want to share, what can a parent do?
Step one would be to acknowledge the situation without judgement or pressure. So, you say….“I understand that you don’t want to talk to me about this, but I can see you suffering, and it must be hard for you to carry this worry on your own.” You then offer them the possibility of speaking to someone else trustworthy about it, like another family member, a friend, the pastoral carer at the school or a professional counsellor.
How do we teach our sons to view girls in a healthy, respectful way?
Obviously as a community, we as parents also need to take responsibility for teaching our sons not to objectify women and instead to view them as equals. Help them to understand what consent means. They need to check in with their sexual partner more and ask if they are ok with what they are doing. It’s important for them to be aware of their partners body language as well. Sometimes a partner can say yes, but still feel uncomfortable with what is happening. It is also especially important to explain the consequences of abuse to them, such as ruining someone else’s life by traumatising them. Of course also their own lives may be ruined by having allegations made against them and possibly going to jail.
Both girls and boys often feel peer pressure to experiment before they are ready. Is there a good way to make a child feel confident in resisting peer pressure?
Peer pressure amongst both teenage girls and boys can play a huge role in forcing them to engage in activities they usually wouldn’t. Make sure that you have open conversations with your teenagers (as much as they will allow) about what is going on in their lives. Be honest with yourselves and ask yourself if you as parents are putting too much pressure on them to perform well academically. Check in how they are coping at school, at home and socially. Ask questions about their friendships in an open and non-intrusive way.
The best antidote for peer pressure is good self-esteem. Tell your teenager often that you love him or her and are proud of them. Explain that it is not weak or bad to express their feelings and make sure that you spend quality time with them and show an active but non-intrusive interest in their lives.
The most important way to ensure your teenager’s good mental health and to inoculate them against the culture of sexual exploitation that is prevalent now, is to keep loving and open lines of communication with them.
If anyone feels that they or a family member would benefit more from talking to Adele then please contact her on: info@adeletreger.com or call her on 07803 714 869.